ジャスティン、

めちゃくちゃに赤入れするのを楽しみにしていましたが、残念ながらとても説得力のある文でした。

唯一より良くできそうに思ったところは、うちのサービスに関する部分でした。内容が少し細かくなりすぎてしまっている印象だったので、より簡潔にするとメッセージ全体の効果が増すと思います。変更の提案を添付ファイルに記載しました。

動画の完成を楽しみにしています。

Justin,

I was looking forward to adding a comment by the red pen, but it was sentence.

Only one thing that it can be better is about the service. it seems like too sensitive, so it's better to be more simple. I attached the document with my advice.

I'm looking forward to finish the movie.

<After>

I'm looking forward to tearing your script apart, but unfortunately it was very convincing piece of writing.

The only part that I felt could be even better was where you were talking about our services. The impression was too detailed, so it's better to make each explanation of services more concise. I wrote the suggestion change in the attached file.

looking forward to seeing the video.